The Top Five Kongs You Might Not Have Heard Of

To go along with this piece published earlier today, here is a list of Kongs you might not have heard of. The Kong family tree is wild.

  • Bony Kong is popular at Halloween, because he is a skeleton. Inexplicably, he is a human skeleton, but no one asks questions because it’s not evident he was ever alive to begin with. He is Donkey Kong’s great uncle and he makes a cameo in Donkey Kong 64 but only if you remove the cartridge from the system right as a character dies.
  • Money Kong is Funky Kong’s twin brother, but as far as Funky is concerned he does not exist. Whereas Funky is a gun-toting leech of the state, Money–that dirty capitalist–pulled himself up by his bananastraps (though no one really knows how) and actually owns the ocean that surrounds Donkey Kong Island. He was primed to be the star of Donkey Kongopoly, a cancelled Game Boy Color game that was bogged down by legal issues.
  • Nanny Kong is Cranky Kong’s mother, remarkably still alive. Rumor has it she signed a deal with the devil for immortality, which would explain why bees fly out of her mouth whenever she speaks. She doesn’t speak much, for the record. Her first appearance was actually in the Japan-only Kamisama Shindeiru, a collectible noted for its similarity to the later Super Smash Brothers series.
  • Dark Kong is…I’ve probably already said too much.
  • Prissy Kong is Money Kong’s selfish and entitled daughter. Her and Dixie have often gotten into fights, with Prissy going so far as to call Dixie “Bougie Kong.” She and her father are not invited to the annual Kong Family Reunions. A likely reason Donkey Kong Country 4 never happened is because the plot involved Prissy getting lost in her giant mansion, which is where most of the levels would have taken place.